A Small Snippet from the Next Book

The title of my book is too big to put in a single header (Epiphanies, Theories, and Downright Good Thoughts…made while being single), but here’s a short exerpt I’d like to share regardless.

To set the stage, one of the chapters focuses on some quick and easy survival techniques. Nothing too crazy like hunting apartment squirrels for food; or the burning of bedroom posts in your gas fireplace for warmth – just the basics; the things you wouldn’t necessarily think about if you were about to live on your own. These are but two of the many within the chapter that I felt up to sharing this afternoon.

So here we are. Hope you enjoy a good laugh or two (as well as some enlightening insight for thought):

If it still smells good…then you can eat it.
If it doesn’t, then please throw it away. My stomach can handle just about anything. Old salami, stale bread, even a box of Cheez-Its that have made it through three relocations (yet were never been opened)…you name it, I could probably engulf it with minimal side effects. But I will warn thee – do not, under any circumstances, think that your stomach can handle spoiled milk. Dairy is public enemy #1 of things-to-not-eat-when-past-expiration. So no, no, and no. I’d sooner partake in a cage fight than be force fed spoiled milk. A broken nose or a busted jaw pales in comparison to the backlash of curdled milk consumption. Bruises will heal and bones will mend, but the scars within the lining of one’s stomach will last forever.

When moving locations, the amount of “free” food you provide…is proportionate to the amount of “free” help you get.
It’s no secret that I’ve relocated plenty of times. Each move became a more arduous task than the last. The first one entailed the use of my parents’ vehicles; the second involved a friend’s truck; and by the time I got to the latest move, I needed a conversion van, three cars, and a loading dock. You tend to accumulate a ton of crap when you live alone (which still boggles my mind) but since you can’t move everything on your own, you need some “hired help”. The only problem is, nobody works for free these days so you have to come up with ways to acquire certain aid.
In my experience, I’ve discovered that a large cheese pizza with pop is equal to 2.5 college students. This equation changes if you add a six pack of beer though. In which case, the result is now equal to three adult males. Add the pizza and you have the makings of a basketball team (with one really tall guy to cover the extra .5).
I will caution on one thing though: don’t always think that three adult males are greater than 2.5 college students. In fact, college students will work for less, do not bark back when given orders, and there’s a good chance their endurance levels are higher. You’re probably better off trying to get college students in that case. They’re beyond critical thinking, semi-efficient when given proper direction, and easily bought with a few pizzas; the future of America at its finest.

Stay tuned for more updates this weekend!

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